Sometimes, I get so frustrated and discouraged raising my children. All of the sibling angst, and squabbling with eachother just drives me up the wall. I occasionally feel like a complete failure as a parent. I wonder how on earth our boys, who from the moment of their arrival-- have been taught how to love, how to be kind, how to not hurt......seem to forget all of what they have been taught, or at least choose NOT to care about anything we have taught them....and just become wild, mean, uncaring things.
I know when you are a child it is harder to see past yourself.....to see how your actions affect others. I know that teenagers are known for their grumpy, moody behavior. BUT--truly....these kids of mine are sometimes VERY difficult to live with!
The sad thing about this whole thing, is that I can understand why they might just WANT to be out of this house....to want to leave and go to friends' houses. Because when they are here, it is not peaceful. There are arguements, someone is getting hurt (physically or emotionally), there is not the same kind of freedom they might experience over a friend's.....etc.
It makes me sad. I want my kids to cherish their home....to WANT to be here, to feel love as soon as they walk through the door.
Ben never wants to be here. We don't have "cool enough" stuff, we have rules (not that these rules are always followed---like cleaning up after yourself, for one), he has annoying (in his opinion) brothers here. He practically lives at his buddy Aaron's house. We try to get him to hang here occasionally with his friends---and he rolls his eyes. Because apparently, that would be asking him to subject not only himself, but his friends to something he feels is sucky.
Jacob is not quite in the middle of the teenage hormone rollercoaster yet....so I am thankful for that. BUT-I see glimpses of it for sure. Nathan is always over dramatic about everything....but he is also the one that is picked on the most by his brothers. And I am the one that feels terrible everytime there is a problem between them. I wonder what I can do to resolve all of this fighting---how I can make our home more peaceful, and loving. I pray for wisdom all of the time, and do my best. But honestly, I sometimes feel my boys feel like i am just being "emotional" mom again. Sensitive and fragile. How I hate that.
ANYWAY- I am having a hard morning. I feel like I want to have a "do-over" with my kids. I thought how I was raising them and teaching them was a good balance between discipline, being reasonable, and being fun and loving. Obviously---I went wrong somewhere.
Baiscally-I know my kids are good kids. They are. People tell us that all of the time. There are moments that I couldn't be prouder. But, somedays--like today, I am embarressed for them....scared for them, wondering how they will function in a much harsher world---when they think our homelife is "harsh" and unreasonable. I mean--we are SO unfair to make them clean their rooms, and take out the trash, and have to eat lunch before they disappear out the door for the day!! It is obvious that they have NO IDEA what kind of toughness some kids go through....the sad homes some people have to live in, how many children would give their eye teeth to be part of a family that cares about and loves them.
I have been close to tears all morning....which of course, is not that difficult a thing when it is "that time of the month".....I know I am feeling things more than I normally would.
So--I pray. I pray for strength, the wisdom I so seek in raising my kids, and pray for them to have some softness of heart and desire to be someone God wants them to be. Just like all the other moms I know.
This "mom thing" is not an easy task.